1. Introduction: Hercules: The Legendary Mascot
2. Prehistory: The History of Hercules
3. September 1, 2011: Joanna vs. Heather

Hercules: The Legendary Mascot

This is the story of a time long ago, a story of myth and legend, when the lab was still young. The faculty were petty and cruel, and they plagued grad students with suffering and beseiged them with work. For years the grads had nowhere to turn, no one to look to for amusement. Until he arrived. He was a man like no other. Born of an amusing prank, and delivered by Mihai, the first of the grads in the lab. Hercules possessed a camaraderie the lab had never seen, a camaraderie rescuing the grad students from the duldrums of grad school. No matter what obstacle, as long as there were grads crying out for help or excitment, there was one cardboard cutout who would never rest --- Hercules!

Inspired by the intro for the TV series Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

The History of Hercules

This is the story of how our cardboard cutout of Hercules came to be purchased. It has been passed down from grad student to grad student for ages (or, about the past five years). Our first grad student in the lab was Mihai. He had a friend who had gone to Russia for awhile. Before she returned, Mihai decided that she had been away from "real men" for awhile, so he went out and bought a cardboard cutout of a "real man": Hercules. He then hid Hercules in her bedroom before she returned. The night she returned, there was a party at her place. At one point, she entered her bedroom and, as she turned on the light, she saw a large man with a sword about to attack her. She let out screams of terror, until it became clear that the man about to attack her was only a cardboard cutout. Surprisingly, both Hercules and Mihai survived the night. This was the story of how Hercules came to be purchased.

We now turn to the story of how Hercules came to live in our office. By this point, Mihai had been joined in the lab by two other students: Hua and Amruta. Unfortunately for Mihai, one summer his two office mates found internships and left him alone. On top of this abandonment, his advisor also left for a sabbatical. Mihai was alone in the office. His thoughts turned to finding someone to fill the void left by Hua, Amruta, and his advisor; his thoughts turned to Hercules. If Hercules could act as a friendly companion to his female friend returning from Russia, then he could also act as a companion for Mihai during his lonely summer. Plus, someone carrying a large sword adequately, albeit temporarily, instills fear similar to the fear an advisor instills. Thus, Hercules was moved into the office to accompany Mihai in the duldrums of daily grad student life and to constantly remind him of his advisor's concern for him. This was the story of how Hercules came to live in our office.

Although Hercules has completed his task -- Mihai has graduated -- he has remained in our office. His presence reminds us of the grad students who have come before us. His presence protects us from tedium and fatigue during our late nights and early mornings in the lab. His presence, particularly his large sword, reminds us, constantly, of our advisor and the power she wields over us. What follows below are how he has protected us from the tedium of grad school. Unfortunately, much has been lost over the years due to poor record keeping.

September 1, 2011: Joanna, Wielder of Fire and Repeller of Heather

When Joanna moved out of the office, Heather moved into the office. Her arrival marked a new era in the office. An era where the office turned on one of its own. The lone grad student fought back, valiantly, but fruitlessly. He cried out for help and Hercules responded. Below is how Hercules tried to defend Mike against the oppressive reign of Heather.

After failing to scare Heather away (notice her laptop in the background of the last picture), I sent this email to the real Joanna:

Date: Thu, 01 Sep 2011 12:10:12 -0400
From: Michael Lipschultz
To: Joanna
Subject: Help me Joanna, you're my only hope!

Please come back!!

Ever since Heather moved in on Monday, she's been ruling this office
with an iron fist, telling me what I can't do, what I can't eat, where I
can't be, etc. I've been trying to get her to leave on my own, but she
refuses. I think she once threatened to spray me with bleach!

Last night I realized that she almost never came into the office while
you were here, so I tried to recreate you in the office. You can see my
attempt here: http://www.cs.pitt.edu/~lipschultz/hercules/

Unfortunately, Heather wasn't fooled, mocking my attempts to keep her
away. Do you have any suggestions on how to free the office of her
oppressive reign?

Please help me Joanna, you're my only hope!

Mike